It's a fallacy that children are too young to understand what's going on in the home. In fact, quite the opposite is true. Children pick up on everything, and they're particularly good at picking up on when there's a prelude to an argument. That's why arguments are just as damaging for children to witness as they are uncomfortable for you to be in. Our children are our future, and it's up to all of us to give them a loving and safe home to grow up in. A home that isn't characterized by bad vibes or constant arguments.
In this article, we explore the impact on children if they have to witness or overhear arguments too often. In addition, we provide a number of conversation starters that you can use if your children have witnessed an argument. This article is both for those who want a deeper insight into the topic and for those who are on the threshold of seeking professional help if the arguments are endless and they develop in a violent direction. At Ellestedet Crisis Centre, we give both women and their children a much-needed respite, and we specialize in handling children in crisis with caring and educational tools.
We meet you where you are, and we are not here to judge your life situation. We know that a life of violence is not a life of choice and that it can be very difficult to break away from - especially when children are involved.
They say that small pots also have ears. It's inevitable that in the course of a busy day, you might snap at each other or even have an (equal) argument, but the most important thing is to be aware of your audience when this happens. If you've snapped at each other or had an argument in front of your children, it's crucial for their mental health that you talk about it and explain what happened so that they know there's no danger. If you forget to have this conversation, children may develop an inner sense of alarm, which can have a negative impact on their mental wellbeing if they are not acknowledged in the situation. As a starting point, you should of course try to keep your children from overhearing or witnessing arguments, as they often don't know the reason behind it and are therefore unable to differentiate between what the argument is about. It's also important not to involve children in the argument and indirectly force them to choose sides, as their instinctive loyalty will be challenged. They will develop a fear that mom will get angry if they agree with dad and vice versa. We don't believe that you should involve your children in your problems and explain to them the reason for the argument, but we do believe that children have the right to be seen in the situation so they learn and understand that this is not a normal everyday situation.
The most important thing is to take care of your children's mental health, and below we've put together some phrases that you can use to start the conversation with your children.
"We're sorry you had to see/hear mom and dad arguing. How did you experience it?"
"Are you afraid that mom and dad will be mad at you?"
"Do you need to talk to mom or dad alone about what you experienced?"
"Mom and Dad are good friends again. Would you like to do something nice together?"
"Do you need a hug?"
These phrases can help start the conversation with children and give them the opportunity to verbalize what they experienced. It's important that they understand that they are not to blame for the fight and that they are reassured that the fight is over. Often, bringing up the possibility of talking to mom or dad alone can be a good way to reassure them that they won't choose sides if they feel most comfortable with mom or dad in a given situation. And doing a joint activity can reassure children that the argument is over when they can feel a good vibe between you all again.
At Ellestedet Crisis Center, we want to help women and their children break out of a violent spiral, but we are also available for advice and guidance in any given situation. We always recommend seeking professional help if domestic arguments have gotten out of hand or if they start to escalate into violence.