ER
I
POSTPONED
FOR
VIOLENCE?
Often there are several forms of violence in an abusive relationship. What they all have in common is that the victim of the violence is physically and mentally broken.
If you are a victim of domestic violence, it is best to continue your "normal" life, but with the protection and security that we can provide at Ellested Women's Crisis Center.
However, some women need to get away from their immediate environment.
Other women can manage their daily obligations with work and children in school and daycare. Let us hear your stories and needs, and together we can find a way out of violence.
Contact usIf you are a victim of domestic violence, it is best to continue your "normal" life, but with the protection and security that we can provide at Ellested Women's Crisis Center.
However, some women need to get away from their immediate environment.
Other women can manage their daily obligations with work and children in school and daycare. Let us hear your stories and needs, and together we can find a way out of violence.
THE PATTERN AND DYNAMICS OF VIOLENCE
Relationship violence is usually not just an unpleasant experience that happens in some relationships on a regular basis. It's a dynamic and pattern that tends to take a turn for the worse over time. During that time, the woman becomes more and more entangled in this dynamic. The violence becomes something she tries to avoid, normalize and excuse. At the same time, she is weakened by guilt and shame and thoughts such as that there must be something wrong with her. She may have distanced herself from concerned friends and family - leaving her weakened, isolated and with an overwhelming sense of powerlessness. And it can take a long time before it becomes clear to the woman that something is very wrong and that she needs to act on it - with all the consequences it can have for her and her children's lives. And afterwards, many women are left with the question: Why on earth didn't I speak up sooner?
ER
DU
CAUGHT IN THE SPIRAL OF VIOLENCE?
THE FUNNEL OF THE SPIRAL OF VIOLENCE
Voldspiralen illustrerer et voldeligt forholds typiske fremgang og dynamik. På billedet er det illustreret som en tragt eller spiral, og det skal symbolisere, at man, lidt af gangen, bliver slugt ned i et liv med vold i hverdagen. Det er svært at komme ud af igen, men hjælpen er heldigvis lige indenfor rækkevidde – kontakt os i dag, hvis du ønsker hjælp til at bryde med det voldelige forhold. Du kan også læse vores artikel om 30 tegn på en voldelig mand, og hvordan du spotter disse tegn i et parforhold.
1. the relationship starts
2. Falling in love
3. idealization
4. Physical and psychological violence starts small
5. Any other violence, e.g. physical
6. Displacement
7. Normalizing violence
8. Shame and guilt
9. responsibility
10. Loss of confidence and self-esteem
11. insulation
12. loss of network
Hvordan starter voldsspiralen, og hvor slutter den igen?
Forholdet starter, og der opstår en forelskelse, der overskygger de første advarselstegn. Som et led i forelskelsen idealiserer kvinden sin nye mand og alt er trygt og godt på overfladen. Den psykiske og fysiske vold starter i det helt små, og det er så subtilt, at det ofte vil blive forvekslet med en engangsforeteelse eller have en “valid” grund. Det kan fx være et let dask, hvis manden bliver sur eller en nedladende kommentar på kvindens bekostning. Som tiden går, eskalerer volden hurtigt, og det bliver pludselig en helt naturlig del af dagligdagen, at manden afreagerer med voldelige metoder.
Kvinden fortrænger det, da konsekvensen af erkendelse virker for overskuelig. Hun normaliserer volden og affejer det med, at manden sikkert bare har en dårlig periode og snart bliver god igen. Skammen og skyldfølelsen begynder langsomt at trænge sig på, da kvinden bebrejder sig selv og skammer sig over, at hendes mand er voldelig. Hun begynder at påtage sig et ansvar selv, da det jo må være hendes væremåde, der får volden til at fortsætte. At erkende at hendes fantastiske mand, som hun var så forelsket i, kan være sådan overfor hende, er for fjernt i hendes bevidsthed. Som et led i den daglige vold mister kvinden sin selvtillid og selvværd. endes voldelige mand isolerer hende fra omverdenen.
Hun får derfor ikke chancen for at tale med nogen om sine bekymringer. Hun taber langsomt sit netværk – både som et resultat af isolationen og fordi hendes venner og familie ikke kan forstå, at hun bliver i den voldelige relation. Det kan også være, at hendes omgangskreds ikke ved, at kvinden lever i et voldeligt forhold, og de forstår derfor ikke, hvorfor hun trækker sig fra sit eget netværk.
Kvinden fortrænger det, da konsekvensen af erkendelse virker for overskuelig. Hun normaliserer volden og affejer det med, at manden sikkert bare har en dårlig periode og snart bliver god igen. Skammen og skyldfølelsen begynder langsomt at trænge sig på, da kvinden bebrejder sig selv og skammer sig over, at hendes mand er voldelig. Hun begynder at påtage sig et ansvar selv, da det jo må være hendes væremåde, der får volden til at fortsætte. At erkende at hendes fantastiske mand, som hun var så forelsket i, kan være sådan overfor hende, er for fjernt i hendes bevidsthed. Som et led i den daglige vold mister kvinden sin selvtillid og selvværd. endes voldelige mand isolerer hende fra omverdenen.
Hun får derfor ikke chancen for at tale med nogen om sine bekymringer. Hun taber langsomt sit netværk – både som et resultat af isolationen og fordi hendes venner og familie ikke kan forstå, at hun bliver i den voldelige relation. Det kan også være, at hendes omgangskreds ikke ved, at kvinden lever i et voldeligt forhold, og de forstår derfor ikke, hvorfor hun trækker sig fra sit eget netværk.
At blive opslugt i Voldspiralens tragt
Når kvinden er tilpas langt nok nede i voldsspiralen, tilpasser hun sig volden i stedet for at sige fra. Frygten for den uforudsigelige vold og de pludselige vredesudbrud fylder det hele, og det handler for kvinden udelukkende om at undgå at gøre manden sur. Psykisk vold hedder på engelsk ‘intimate terror’, og målet for manden er at tage magten ved at dominere og kontrollere kvinden. Der er som regel mange grunde til, at det er så svært at bryde ud af et voldeligt forhold og én måde at forklare det på, er netop ved at tale om en voldsspiral. Volden er velovervejet og kalkuleret, og det er også derfor, at det ofte for alvor opstår senere i relationen. Kvinden skal først være tryg, og derefter begynder manden sit magtspil. I takt med at man mister sit selvværd og sit netværk føles det som om, at der ikke er nogen til at gribe en på den anden side. Læs vores artikel om, hvordan du kommer videre efter psykisk vold – det er aldrig for sent at vælge et trygt og godt liv for sig selv.
GETTING SUCKED INTO THE FUNNEL OF VIOLENCE
But there are usually many reasons why it's so difficult to break out of an abusive relationship and one way to explain it is by talking about a Spiral of Violence. The image of the spiral of violence illustrates the dynamics of an abusive relationship as a funnel or spiral that you get sucked into and it's hard to get out of.
A cycle of violence
Violence is not a constant factor in a relationship. It can occur in bursts, interspersed with periods of apparent calm. We call it a cycle of violence.
PHASES OF VIOLENCE
The Cycle of Violence
HAS ITS OWN UNIQUE DYNAMIC THAT MOVES THROUGH DIFFERENT PHASES.
Intimate partner violence has its own unique dynamic that is often played out over and over again between the parties. This makes it recognizable, but no less dangerous, as it is often seen to become more violent and degrading each time. Understanding the pattern is essential to breaking the dynamic.
Intimate partner violence has its own unique dynamic that is often played out over and over again between the parties. This makes it recognizable, but no less dangerous, as it is often seen to become more violent and degrading each time. Understanding the pattern is essential to breaking the dynamic.
The remorse phase:
is characterized by everything being good again. Flowers are brought and the future is talked about. It feels like both are making an effort to make the relationship work. The victim may withdraw their complaint and promise to stay in the relationship. Perpetrator promises all kinds of things, cries, apologizes. Places responsibility on others or blames stress. Promises never to do it again.
The tension phase:
The prelude to violence and tension is felt in the relationship. Perpetrator exhibits mood swings and no longer shows the same interest in pampering his/her partner.
Victim tries to adapt to avoid conflict and may think it's his/her own fault. Perpetrator becomes increasingly patronizing and controlling.
Victim tries to adapt to avoid conflict and may think it's his/her own fault. Perpetrator becomes increasingly patronizing and controlling.
The violence phase:
The shortest and most dangerous phase. This is when psychological, sexual, physical, material or other forms of violence are used. Punching, kicking, pushing, rape, humiliation are some of the forms of violence that occur in this phase. The violence typically escalates each time.
Afterwards, the perpetrator often tries to get back into the remorse phase and promises penance and recovery. The woman wants to believe him and the cycle starts again.
